Friday, January 1, 2010

after a conversation with a firend

Life, man, it's fucking tough, just making it through a day, just getting out of bed in the morning, it's so damn hard - we should all get fucking prizes, just for making it through a day.

All the relationship we have, at work, in family, in love, it's so hard to be yourself, it's so hard to be there for someone else. it's so hard to just say the simple things - this is me, this is what I need, this is who I am, this is what I want - I want you to give me those things, I want you to be there for me. I want to be honest and open with you - will you be there for me and never leave, please, please please.

All we ever want, however we dress it up, however sophisticated we get about naming it, is undivided attention.

life - it's so simple.
people - we are so complicated.

We all play our role, as if we were in some fucking movie, because really, we don't know how to act as if we are in real life, because all of our role models comes from a 90 minute long drama, because there's really nothing to be learned from our parents aside of how NOT to be, because in searching of how to be perfect we lost the search of who we are, and even more important, of what we want.

The hardest thing is life is standing in front of the world and saying "this is me, this is what i want, now give it to me - I'm ready to deal with disappointment, with rejection - but this is who I am, this is what I want, this is my body, this is my soul, imperfect, incomplete, not content, human - I can't make it on my own - work, people, friends, family, I need you, I cannot deal with life on my own, and I won't make it without you, my strength is in being able to bare this, and being able to ask for help. I am weak, I am human - love me, want me need me, and most importantly, don't leave, me, without you I am nothing"

The hardest thing in life is feeling this and not being able to say it.

The hardest thing in life is being so afraid, that you can't even acknowledge that feeling.

The hardest thing in life is giving up on everything, just cause saying that you need and want things it too hard that you rather live in a cave and never come out or interact with anyone.

human existence is messy. To live to love, to be alive means to constantly deep your hands into shit, into muck, into a pulsing flash and blood, into darkness - then reach through, and if you are super lucky, your hand will be holding a star.

80 years to live - 29,200 days - 700800 hours - 42048000 minutes

so many moments to feel shitty about yourself, so many opportunities to avoid yourself, to pretend, so settle for less, to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, to be a victim, to victimize other.
So may moment, to be brave to say what you want to be crystal clear, to know, to feel to love.

life - we all fucking live them, it's all we've got.

No comments: