Sunday, August 30, 2009
Oh the Irony...
I made those drawings on Friday afternoon, for Illustration Friday, the word of the week was "Magnify". I was thinking of how when I'm anxious every little fault in my face and character feels like it's a huge deal and I can't see any beauty or goodness in myself past the faults.
That day I was feeling very much like that, like every little blemish and wrinkle in my face makes me look like a monster.
The day afterward, I woke up in the morning with half my face swollen in a really strange way. My eye have some infection or something and my cheek have some scratch that got infected, I can feel my skin stretched over the puffiness, and my face feel numb and look really weird.
We went to the hospital, got some ointments that so far, don't seem to be working and actually I do feel like a monster!
I try to remind myself that I don't, that it's going to go away soon and that in a few days I won't even remember how it feels. But right now I can't stop keep imagining life as the elephant woman, or how I'm going to loose all sensational of half of my face or die.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
So I woke up in the morning with that infected pimple in my cheek feeling worst, Ned was still asleep, I went to the bathroom and looked at the mirror and it was really swollen, my whole cheek was puffed up and my face, on the left side just felt and looked like they belong to someone else. My lower eyelid was really swollen and tender. I was so nervous about it, didn't know what to do. I went back into bed and fall asleep.
When we woke up, much later at around 4:00, I asked Ned if he thinks I should go to the hospital, he couldn't say. I really wished he would, I know that this is my body, that I'm an adult and have to be responsible for it, but when I'm sick, or weak all I want is for someone else to take charge to tell me what to do to have all the answers.
Eventually I decided to go, we figured out that the best place would be the eye and ear clinic on 14 street, we got dressed and took the train. On the way there, I kept feeling like everyone is looking at my deformed face, my swollen eye and this ugly red rose on my cheek. I just wanted to go home and hid under the blanket.
We went into the clinic which was totally empty, just us, a couple of doctor and someone at the desk. The Doctor couldn't even see the swelling at first, he asked if I got bitten by an insect, but I said I don't think so. He said that there might not be a connection between the pimple and the eye, though to me, it does feel like it, like there's a big pool of water under my cheek, which is making my skin feel heavy and painful.
He checked by eye site which was unaffected by this, and told me that unless there is extreme pain or that I can't move the eyeball there's nothing to worry about, gave me prescription for 2 types of ointment and send me home, didn't even charge us any money or anything.
It was my first hospital experience in over 10 years I think, and the first one in NY.
I was happy to get out of there so fast, at the same time, I felt so silly for getting so scared about something that small and insignificant.
We spend the next half an hour at Duane Reade trying to get my prescription and listening to a group of Israelis yelling and trying to find the antibacterial soap.
I hate looking at myself in the mirror now, my face looks like they are heavy, all the wrinkles an lines look twice as bar, I feel and look like an old woman. I feel so guilty for not bouncing right back, for being weak and sick and needy. For not being beautiful and young.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tomorrow, one of my favorite NY events is taking place, the Rumblers car show. It's a very cool hot rods and vintage cars show under the BQE, which means that for a whole day, the large parking lot right outside our building turns into a surreal extravaganza of rockabilly music, women in elaborate 50's pin up outfits, a lot of really cool cars and the best of all, a group of people that are full of love and pride in what they do. They work on their cars for ages and then come over from all over the USA to show them to us.
It's going to be the 3rd year I'm going to the show, in the first year, my sister and her boyfriend were here, we heard about the show from Chops - a guy that used to own a tattoo store on North 6th that closed by now. It was a huge surprise and we spend the whole day there, taking photos, wondering around, talking to people and experience this very cool very American event with loved people from out of town.
The second year, me and Ned were getting very much into cars in general, we went to a few drag races that year and this was just the iceing on the cake on a cool exciting summer fool of car related adventures. I just got a new camera and this event was one of the first times I used it. It was super hot outside, but we had such an amazing time.
This year, I just can't seem to get as excited as I want about this. We didn't do a lot of traveling this summer, and so this "life on the road" imagery doesn't really feel like a part of my life. I'm feeling like crap, my ears hurts, my throat hurts, and I have a huge pimple on my cheek, I look and feel like crap, and though a lot of good things happened, I can just focus on the rather nasty e-mail I got from the gallery guy I send the drawing to (in a word, he didn't like them, and send me a pretty elaborate explanation of why, including the grammar of one of the sentences I wrote).
I really want to be excited, and I know that if I won't, I'll feel like I missed something really great and have to wait for it for another year. But right now, I don't even feel like going tomorrow.
A couple of months ago, I was contacted by a gallery in Long Island, the guy from the gallery was very interested in my insects drawings, and we exchanged a bunch of e-mails trying to find a deal that would work for both of us.
Eventually he agreed to buy 10 drawings at a wholesale price if I made more then 10 and he can choose what he likes. I finished the 21st today and just send the scans to him.
I really hope he'll like them and that this will work out.
Remember my entry from yesterday about 4 insects drawings and 3 small tarot drawings?
So, today, which was a super cool Etsy day, all of the 7 got sold, plus, a set of 4 prints and a cool bird drawing from a while back. 180$ made. I feel so accomplished!
Look at what a cool thing Ned did! I'm so proud of him and happy with how it turned out.
We went to "The Juggs" show on Tuesday, it was such an awesome show, though sadly, because of my ankle, I had to sit in the corner through most of it, instead of run around, dance and take pictures. When we got home, it turned out I shot 250 photos, and Ned shot 450! instead of editing them down, he used all of them to make the coolest music video.
We run into a bunch of technical difficulties, being that this is by far much longer then any other clip we've made, but got over most, though there's room for improvement in the compression department which I'll try ot deal with in a future date.
watch the clip here.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Next step in the big clean up project was to empty out the drawers of my desk (I guess I'm getting closer to dealing with the horror of horrors - the actual desk top), I haven't empty those out since I got this desk as a gift from my downstairs neighbor, over 2 years ago, and was really drawing the moment. There were stuff there from a long time ago...
It turned out that it was easier then I thought, most of it was half finished drawings, paper I collected for no good reason. dried markers and ink stamps, fabric scraps and other small pieces of junk. There were 2 drawers that were filled with Etsy stuff that got expired ages ago, past thrown out and part kept for giveaways and gifts (about 1 half filled drawer left).
I also found 4 insects drawings i made for a swap that never happened, and 3 tarot cards I started working on, but never get past the 3.
All those are listed in the store, as a part of the big art sale.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Next discovery in the clearing out all the mess project.
I found my sketchbook from my Israel trip on March 2008. And never got around to scanning.
It's strange to look at it now, the words are so sad and I remember the feeling of feeling so lonely without Ned and so estranged in the city I call home.
Also, it's amazing to think of how long it's been since I've been there, since I met my friends, my sisters, my dad.
I really want to go again, I'm scared also, scared to see how much I've changed and how much it changed and of dealing with the practicality of financial issues, my social security status, my bank account and everything else that i have neglected. From dealing or not dealing with my family.
Some old ACOs I found while trying to clear some space in the studio, Those are about 3 or 4 years old and one of the only pieces of art I carried with me from Israel. It's sad ot say goodbye, but I hope they find a good home rather then be stuck in a drawer and never looked at.
I'm selling them all for 5$ each - that's a unique awesome piece of art for the price of a cup of coffee plus tip! Get yours today!
Friday, August 21, 2009
A couple of days ago, Ned and I went to the Richard Avedon exhibition in IPC, it was really inspiring, there was one specific image that Ned kept getting back to, it was a photo of Avedon's studio in Paris, and how he dimmed the light from a skylight right above the model with a white fabric.
We left the show talking about photography, I was talking about the emotions, the elegance, the feeling of the period and how some of those images, from the 50's and 60's look so contemporary now. Ned was talking about softness, exposure, motion and light.
So, the day ended with Ned ordering another big light, and us deciding that the next shoot we do should be on a light background. Which turned out to be easier said then done - we build the big black box a while ago and in order to shoot on white, we have to move things around a bit.
This turned into a big reorganization project, certain areas need to be cleared, there are drawers and containers and shelves which don't ever get opened and I decided that I need to go over them and make room for some other mess to go into.
The thing that i found in most of those drawers was art, some made by others, but mostly made by me. I had to decide what to do with it. One would think that small 9"X12" pieces on paper wouldn't take that much space, but when some of those are 30 prints editions, and some are quick figure drawings and some are just a lot of drawing, it seem they do pile up...
A few pieces like bad prints and unfinished bad sketches went ot the trash, but the rest - too hard to throw out, nothing to do with really...
So i decided to list them on Etsy and sell them for a special low price. I hope they'll find good homes.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I've had this idea in my mind for such a long time, and I'm so glad today I finally got the time (well, not really, I just neglected everything else I had to do today, cause it was too hot and I was too out of it to focus on anything).
This is a series if all the aces from my minor arcana cards, the swords, pentacles, cups and wands, which represent the 4 elements - Air, Earth, Water and Fire and are being portrayed by 4 animals - an owl, a buck, a koi fish and a dragon.
I made 10 of each and they will be send as a gift to everyone who buy from my store until they are all gone!
There is also one more way in which you can win a special set of 4 of the prints, all you need to do is visit my shop, choose your favorite item and tell me about it in a comment to this blog entry.
The raffled will be held at September 5th.
A couple of weeks ago I got a really nice e-mail from a flickr acquaintance in Israel, he was telling me about how much he likes my drawings which is always really awesome to hear and how he would love for me to make a drawing he can use in a tattoo he wanted to get.
We talked about a couple of idea and then he had the really cool idea of getting the tattoo for his and his girlfriend anniversary, and both of them getting "The Lover" Tarot cards.
So today, I made a few options for them to choose for.
Such a hot day, and I'm very tired cause I only slept around 5 hours or so. Ned and I had a long and very productive day in the city, running some errands then meeting his mom for lunch.
She was telling us about the Richard Avedon exhibition in ICP and how much she liked it so we decided to go check it out. It was really incredible, both for the artwork and for the curation. We decided to walk back from 43th street to 14.
On the way to the train Ned decided he wants to cut into Fotocare and take a look at some lights ideas the exhibition made him think about, we went there and then, as we were getting closer to the train and talking more about the light, we decided to go into B&H and see if they have what we wanted.
So, we turned again, and walked to 33th and 9th, and spend half an hour trying to explain to the people that work there about the actual products they are selling.
Somehow I managed to stab my toe and it was really painful. We got on the train, stopped for pizza and got home.
I'm super hot and it's really hard to focus on anything, I managed to shoot some new dishes I made yesterday and color correct everything - though feeling so tired and hot, it took ages!
As I was listing the new plates, a friend from Israel saw them online and bought one right away! it totally made this busy \ lazy day end on a really sweet note!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
So we didn't win the IPA, we did get an honorary mention, whatever that means, but it sucks looking through their website now and seeing the photos of other people who did.
Between yesterday night, in which I suddenly realized there is a chance we might win, and this night, hoping to hear hear from them and raising my hopes up, I manage ot really really want this, and though nothing really happened, I feel like this big thing was taken away from me.
Maybe it's the need for official acknowledgment and the faith of a large and important group of judges in the work, maybe it's thinking of me and Ned as a working photography team, maybe it's the idea of being able to make money of this art thing.
Ned's in a really bad mood in the past couple of days, I think the main reason I really wanted us to in this is so that he'll have something big to be happy and excited about.
I'm glad we submitted pieces for this award, but I think the loosing really sucks.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
, originally uploaded by nedrosen.
So last week we got an e-mail from IPA, the International photography award, about getting through stages one and two of their competition.
We already are in the honorary mention category, which is great, tomorrow we will find out of we won.
We submitted the images so long ago and forgot all about it.
It's been such a busy week I didn't even have time to think about, but going through their website, I suddenly realized that if we do win this, it's probably our greatest achievement, workwise, so far.
I know it's a long shot, I'm trying to to raise my hopes up cause I know that if I don't win I'll be very disappointed, however, I can't help but starting to get really excited about this.
Cross your fingers for us!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Coming home from drawing at Blackbird Parlor, there was a strange noise in the bathroom, I thought at first that someone is doing some drilling on the other side of the wall or that there's a helicopter in the sky. When I went into the bathroom, I saw a large insect zooming around. It turned out to be a dragonfly that got in and haven't manage to find it's way out. It's still zooming around, taking rests on the window ledge but still not flying out.
I'm sort of torn between wanting it to go free and wanting it to stay and get tiredso I can take better pictures.
It really reminds me of this old painting:
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I had a birthday yesterday, and didn't want to do anything special to celebrate it. I'm in sort of a bad mood over all, because of some family issues I promised not to write about.
So we just decided to spend the day together.
Everyday we do what we like, every day we spend together. It's hard to do something special when every day in my life now feels pretty special.
We met a friend, walked to grand ferry park and watched the sunset, had an awesome dinner at La Superior and went to see a friend art show at Jack the Pelican, had ice cream and a strange evening nap and just spend time together finishing a big back up project and just doing nothing. I can't think of any better way to spend my birthday!
I just joined a very cool artistic adventure called "Moleskin exchange". Every participant get an identical sketchbook, draw 5-6 pager in it and send it to the next person in the list. By the end of the year, we are supposed to get our original book back filled with drawings from all the other participant.
Most of my artwork in the past couple of years were on papers about half the size, so, it's a little shocking to have to fill a page that large, so i just started, knowing that if I start to think about it too much, it'll get too scary to begin. I'm really curious to see how this project will turn out ot be.
More info here:
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I'm going to turn 34 this Friday.
I usually get sort of depressed before birthdays. It always feel like i haven't accomplished enough in the last year and that, in my mind, I'm supposed to be in a different place then I actually am.
I think also, that being afar from Israel and my family makes this worth, I feel like I don't have any roots where I live, and that my life here is based on borrowed time. I keep having dreams about the past, and about a strange chain of event that makes me leave Ned and New York and go back to Israel, go back to my old apartment, then to my ex boyfriend and the apartment we had together, then back and back into my past personal history.
I'm thinking about the future and the choices I made. I'm thinking about growing old and having, or not having children.
I'm thinking about Ned and I separating and me being all alone in the world. I'm thinking about my mother saying "I told you so".
On Monday, I went to buy a present for my dad, his birthday is one day before me, and though usually I get books for birthdays, I decided to spend less on shipping this year and more on the gift and decided to get him a small iPod. I got one for me to.
I opened it yesterday and was more excited about the clear plastic box the the actual product, it was really beautiful. Ned and I talked about making something out of it. I thought about making a paper butterfly and putting it in the box like those preserved insects displays.
In the morning we found a dead butterfly on the floor. It came into the apartment a couple of days ago, I thought it found it's way out and flew away, but as it turned out, it died. I put it in the box, a gift from the world to me.
It feels very symbolic, maybe this is about changing, or about getting old, or about preserving the present for the future. Maybe this is about the fact that life, even after it's gone, is cooler and more beautiful then an iPod can ever be, maybe i'm just grasping at strews to verbalize feeling so sad and heavy