I'm so sick and tired of feeling so anxious every single morning. It doesn't matter when I'm opening my eyes, it feels like those days I just wake up so fucking fragile, as if every drift of wind or any type of any emotional exertion would just make me fall into pieces.
So I numb my brain with reading the news, with listening to an audio book, building a brier of words between me and my own feelings.
Or I drink a lot of coffee, or I have a small Whiskey and water before I even brush my teeth, or I get dressed really fast, or I sit around naked and look through a million photos on Flickr just to swamp my mind with anything except my own feelings. Or I read the same page in a book over and over again without really letting the words in.
It's snowing out today, it looks beautiful, but it doesn't even pile on the ground.
It just feels like nothing good will happened before spring, and it just feel like spring will never get here and that I'm never going to feel warm again.
I broke my hairbrush today, it fall on the floor of the bathroom. I never even liked it so much, but it was one of the things I brought from Israel with me. It feels like I'm loosing my place over there, like I'm being forgotten, like I'm forgetting.
My cousin wrote me last week, she had a new baby, she send me photos, I didn't even know she was pregnant, I've been so out of communication with everyone over there. It's all just too hard and too painful.
Every e-mail seem to be hard to write, beyond possible even, even the short ones that are just "your package will be send tomorrow" or "I'm too tired to write right now I'll write you a proper e-mail next week".
Last month I only made one phone call, I think I only answer one as well, the more time passes the hardest communication become.
When I was a kid I wanted to be like Greta Garbo or Salinger, I wanted to live in a castle somewhere remote, and never go out, only make drawings and read books and not see or talk to people.
I wonder if I already became that person.
I'm not famous, but I'm probably one of the hardest people I know to reach.
Nothing seem real, everything seem too real.
1 comment:
I'm sorry you're having to deal with such tough feelings. Unfortunately, I can relate very well. In a way I have it easier because I have many things going on in my life that I must participate in- so my busyness is "valid" and I can just throw myself into it. But every quiet hour has me feeling anxious and depressed.
I may be runner up for hardest person to get a hold of. It's hard to put out the effort to be social- by email, phone, and especially in person. You're right that the longer you keep yourself, the harder it is to crawl out of the shell. The shell is a very false sense of comfort, though it is so hard to convince my brain of that fact because right now it feels safe and comforting.
I hope spring comes soon. It's supposed to be warm weather this weekend which I am so grateful for. I hope it stays.
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