SAD in the Bathroom

I'm so sick and tired of feeling so anxious every single morning. It doesn't matter when I'm opening my eyes, it feels like those days I just wake up so fucking fragile, as if every drift of wind or any type of any emotional exertion would just make me fall into pieces.

So I numb my brain with reading the news, with listening to an audio book, building a brier of words between me and my own feelings.

Or I drink a lot of coffee, or I have a small Whiskey and water before I even brush my teeth, or I get dressed really fast, or I sit around naked and look through a million photos on Flickr just to swamp my mind with anything except my own feelings. Or I read the same page in a book over and over again without really letting the words in.

It's snowing out today, it looks beautiful, but it doesn't even pile on the ground.

It just feels like nothing good will happened before spring, and it just feel like spring will never get here and that I'm never going to feel warm again.

I broke my hairbrush today, it fall on the floor of the bathroom. I never even liked it so much, but it was one of the things I brought from Israel with me. It feels like I'm loosing my place over there, like I'm being forgotten, like I'm forgetting.

My cousin wrote me last week, she had a new baby, she send me photos, I didn't even know she was pregnant, I've been so out of communication with everyone over there. It's all just too hard and too painful.

Every e-mail seem to be hard to write, beyond possible even, even the short ones that are just "your package will be send tomorrow" or "I'm too tired to write right now I'll write you a proper e-mail next week".

Last month I only made one phone call, I think I only answer one as well, the more time passes the hardest communication become.

When I was a kid I wanted to be like Greta Garbo or Salinger, I wanted to live in a castle somewhere remote, and never go out, only make drawings and read books and not see or talk to people.
I wonder if I already became that person.
I'm not famous, but I'm probably one of the hardest people I know to reach.

Nothing seem real, everything seem too real.

Vespine gallery show

So a few weeks ago Ned gets this phone call from an art gallery in Chicago, it turn out that they were looking for me for a few weeks, I usually don't answer my phone and for some reason I didn't get any of their e-mails. They wanted to give me an art show in their gallery.

This is not only my own personal dream (and art show without having to run after the gallery, but them running after me) but probably the dream every artist I know.

I couldn't bring myself to call them, but I e-mailed, Ned did, he told them I'll e-mail them and so I did.

So then, I never heard back, which made me a bit sad, but I sort of moved on. Then about 2 weeks later, they called Ned's phone again. It turned out that for some reason, again, I didn't get their e-mail. They needed the artist statement, and bio and know when I'm sending the pieces and so on.

Again, I couldn't bring myself to call, and Ned did. He's been doing all the communication for me, even e-mails, that I'm usually not so anxious about. He consulted a gallery owner that we know about prices and arrangement and what to ask and do.

It turned out that this is the only show in the year in which participant artist don't have to pay for the space. the gallery is giving me one of the most amazing gifts and opportunity I could ever wish for. Everyone around me who Ned have told to about this are so happy and helpful and wonderful about this.

Yet, I feel so scared and anxious and like I'm messing up. I've been creating a second body of work for this show, about 30 drawings in less then a week. I've written a nice enough artist statement, later improved by Ned, a gallery owner \ friend and Ned's dad. And yet I feel like I haven't done a thing and like I keep messing up.

Everything is so good, I just paralyzed with fear waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The show is going to be at the Vespine Gallery in Chicago on November 15. We are already planning a motorcycle trip to come to the opening!

This week has been such a crazy emotional roller coaster.

I just want to sleep (and for all my painting to sell in the show of course...)