Frustrating shoot

One of our first attempts at multiple models shoot today, due to a series of confusions, mess ups, and chance, it turned out to be one of the most frustrating shoots ever.

The fact that we got as many nice photos as we did is only due to Mariko and Chizuko's awesome sense of color and style and Ned's creativity and talent.


While typing this I realized another frustrating thing.

It's really hard and annoying to write about something without giving any information about what actually went on. Ever since my big break up and especially since meeting Ned and moving to NY, I'm really trying hard ot be as open and honest in both public and private communication. It helps that i don't have a job right now or dealing with my family (which is the people that I lie to the most...).

I don't want to burn any bridges or get on bad terns with the people involved in this, so, I have to "write around things" which make me feel pretty bad about myself on top of everything else.

Damn, this interact with so many other family related things that I already told my dad I'm not going to write about. I feel like I'm being shrunk to myself at 12 years old, being anxious about my mom being angry with me.

Doctor visit

We both work up feeling like shit again. I barley had any sleep last night, Ned and I both woke up with a sore throat and feeling all groggy and achy.

We went to the Doctor, it feels like this mild flue feeling keeps coming back every time we are feeling stressed or having a lot of work.

We have a huge shoot over the weekend, and an important meeting tomorrow. The Doctor told us to gargle salt water and gave us an antibiotic prescription in case we get a fever.

We talked about it on the way back home and decided to take the antibiotic anyway. Cause we are both feeling sick too much lately. I don't know why, but caving in and taking those pills makes me feel sort of rotten about myself, like I'm too weak to beat a flue on my own. I know it's the right thing to do though.

I fall asleep when we got back and had a 5 hours nap. I'm still tired, and not feeling as well as I want, but I'm glad I'm taking care of this. Ned's nose keeps bleeding today, from the heat and the snot.

The doctor we saw today asked me if I want to see a dermatologist about my skin, he said - you scratch it and you might end up having some scars, which actually I do already have.

He gave me the number of a dermatologist and talked about some antibiotic that you need to take for a while to get the skin better, whatever.

It bother me that it's not as smooth and nice and look all normal and such. However, I'm trying to think of how wrecking my inside with months of antibiotic just to look pretty is something a doctor should recommend me to do.

Damn superficial society.

Maybe it just hurt my feelings that he mentioned it and now I'm looking for reasons to dislike him.

Giglio

Day 2 - 9 more left...

Ned and I walked around the Feast tonight, at around 10:30, it was pretty empty, and there were probably more police people then people having fun around.

I'm not sure why, but the whole event looked and felt very different then last year, both the food booths and the rides looked newer, more clean and less nostalgic.

We planned to skip the evening at home and hang out with friends, but it didn't work out and so we were at home trying to work (Ned) and play stupid video games (me) while a constant speaker voice reminded us that the Casino is now open at the gym.

Shitty Day

Because I woke up feeling anxious from a phone call that ended before I manage to find the phone.

Because later on, when they called again it turned out to me my grandmother telling me my father told her to tell em not to write about my sister on the internet, or people might read about it (what people?!) and then gave me a talk about me needing to start working on her grand grand kids.

Because Ned slept 4 hours more then me and I had to sit with the crappy feeling for 3 hours not having anyone to talk to about it.

Because of too much coffee or to little coffee.

Because of a long walk from Purl River to union square with a huge bag full of too heavy china.

Because of the stupid Giglio which meant my evening was full of annoying music, screams, and a speaker system voice telling me every 10 minutes that the Casino is open in the gym.

Because it's after midnight and I didn't get any work done. And I didn't make anything for the Etsy store in about a week and made no sales since Saturday.

Because I'm worried about the green card paperwork and know I have to start working on getting a bunch of stupid letter, bills, papers and document arranged for this and I hate the idea of having to prove things to strangers.

Because this whole day I'm having angry conversations with my father in my head and I already know I'm never going to tell everything I have to say to his face and that it's just another wedge between us, silence and pleasantries seem to be all we have left.

The End of the Rope

I'm so so tired.

Between my sister ending up in the hospital again after some big ass drama, sort of forcing my parents to get back from a vacation in Italy and disappearing for a while. Ned being sick and weak for a week, scaring me and himself with dizzy spells and low energy. A big project that was really rushed and required me to learn PowerPoint as I was struggling to complete it in time.

I feel like I barely have time to digest one thing and something else, stressful, powerful and overwhelming is sweeping me off my feet and into a new emotional turmoil.

Today, I finished working on the big project, then run to the city to buy cloths for a shoot tomorrow. We discovered in the morning that we actually don't have a hair stylist, Ned staid at home trying his luck on Model Mayhem and craigslist hoping to get someone last minute so we don't have to cancel.

Eventually he did find a hair stylist, I got the cloths, all I wanted to do is go to bed and sleep, but a friend was playing a concert 2 hours later and I wanted to go, so I didn't.

Half an hour later, I got an e-mail from my lawyer reminding me that in a month time I need to submit shit load of paperwork for my green card application. It's am lot of work and I hate the idea of having to spend any time trying to prove to anybody that me and Ned are really married and live together - we spend almost 24 hours a day together, it feel stupid to have to explain that.

Just more stuff to do! damn! I just want a day off!

A dream about cards

Me and a few other people, most of which I don't know in reality, are playing a card game.

The cards have both a drawing and a written explanation on them, and each card also have it's value in money printed on. Each card have an object or an animal or a person or a plant on it, the purpose of the game is to swap cards with the other opponents and get 4 cards that are the closest topic wise (like 4 "animals" cards, or 4 "fishes" cards) while also trying to get the higher value cards in the series you build.

The game is both a game and a divination, the texts and images on the cards and the series the player are supposed to say something about the players and lives them advice about the future.

I have landed into the game from a different part of the dream, and both me and another character (Ned maybe) have to get into it even though we don't understand the rules and don't even know what cards we are holding. I'm starting to look at my cards and to my surprise, they are, even though I have yet to start swapping, really good, I have 2 dog cards (one of them is a sharpay) and one bird card (I think it was an owl). As far as the game goes, I can maybe cash out on the "Animals" series, or go on playing and try to rank higher with the "Dogs" series, it all depend on what my last card is.

When I reach for it, I realize it's not a card at all, but a folded letter that was folded into a card size. I know, in the dream, that I got the letter over 2 years ago, but never read it, I open it to discover a lot of photos of this one girl who I've never met before. When I read the letter, this girl who wrote it is sharing with me the fact that she just discovered she was adopted and decided to seek her biological parents. She found them and was amazed to see the physical similarities and now she lives with her biological family trying to catch up on a whole life of not knowing one another.

I remember that the reason why I did not respond or read the letter was that I though it was vain to include so many photos, but finally reading it, I realize that the photos are half of her and half of her mom when she was young and that the mass of photos wasn't about vanity, but about showing me the family similarity. I try to think if there's a way I can still answer it but I know it's just too late.

The pits of despair

So today I did 2 large drawings (if you can call a 5.5X9 drawing large) 1 and a half small drawings (I think those are 5X5).

Brought some cloths for our next shoot and some vintage cups at the salvation army store.

Made a tea pot and the 2 cups and saucers sets, shot them and listed them on etsy.

Made a big sale on Etsy - a tea pot, 4 cups and a milk jug and sugar bowl, all together over 200$.

Finally completed the commercial page on the nedandaya site.

It might be that I'm on my period, and this is just hormones speaking, it might be that writing down our commercial accomplishments and seeing how short this list is, it might be because of Ned being sick and the whole thing with my sister last weekend, but I feel like such a useless lump. Like non of what I do matters and like I'm just playing at this art fantasy stuff instead of finally giving up and finding a real job.
It might be that we didn't have sex for over two weeks and I feel so damn alone.