Monday, November 16, 2009

Tired

tired
Packed the etsy package for sending tomorrow.
Finished a design for an ad and send it to the client.
Packed a gift for my sister, my other sister and a friend.
Found my medical insurance card.
Made a list of phones numbers of people I know in Israel.
Did the laundry and washed my backpack.
Cleared my desk.
Re packed my backpack.
Talked to the bank about my credit card.
Finish making Christmas card for my store.

Still a lot to do tomorrow, but suddenly, the knowledge that we are leaving for Israel dropped on my head like a brick. I'm excited, and nervous. It feels like the beginning of something and the end of something else. I really hope Ned's not going to have a really hard time over there, having to share my attention with a lot of other people. I really hope that staying at my sister would not drive him crazy. That he will not suddenly learn things about me he doesn't like. I keep imagining us having fights in the street and feeling lost out of our element, away from our home.

I don't know why this trip feels so much like a"make it or break it" point in my life. I wish I didn't.

2 comments:

Blanche and Guy Melamed said...

i hope it's not such a stressful trip for you guys. i'm sure Ned will enjoy hearing any new news about you from your sister/family! and you can always draw and take photos from here, too. i think that's whats made it calming for me to be here this time around: the fact that i have my camera and the internet to help me escape from the life/family around me. and my dogs help, too! we tried living here 10 years ago and it only lasted three months. we were exactly like 2 fish out of water. it is painful to think about us back then! give us a call if you are going out of your minds! We're south of tel aviv... 20-30 mins by train... the lovely train!

lostfoundagain said...

Wow, that's a lot that you got done! I wish I was half as productive as you with my list of things to do!

It seems like you have so much negative expectations and anxieties about how it's going to be on your trip. Be careful that they don't end up being self fulfilling prophecies...

Listening to you list all of your anxieties reminds me of when I'm really anxious about something and I have a million unrealistic anxieties but really its other things that I'm anxious about- not those million little things. Whether or not it feels like it, this is not a "make it or break it" point in your life- unless you choose to make it so. But give yourself some slack, be kind to yourself! The same way you are going without real plans about where you are staying, go without expectations of how the trip will be in other ways. I bet you'll be happily surprised that it turns out to be not as stressful as you think it will be. But I guess that's the nature of anxiety- the anxiety and fears are usually worse than the reality.

The other thing is, give Ned some credit. He's a kind and caring man and he loves you. Of course he's human too but you guys have made a wonderful relationship over the past few years and this is not going to be the point where he learns a big bad horrible thing about you or a time that will "make or break" your bond together as a couple. This is a special time where you get to share this revisiting of your past home/life/friends/family and get to share it with Ned too. I think that it will be a really wonderful thing for both of you.

Anyway, I really hope that you guys have a great time and I cant wait to hear all about it. Hugs to both of you!!