Coffee

A cup of coffee, another cup of coffee, a cookie for me, granola and yogurt for Ned. We are both somewhere between exusted, disappointed, sad and overwhelmed. I feel like all I want righ now is sit and stare into space, and not interact.

Instead, we talk, about my family, about my dad, about feeling lonely.

I want to cry, but feel like even that, right now, is too much to do. To much to bare.

I wish I could feel happy and light all the time, without remembering the past or worrying about the future.

Mixed emotions

Before comming to Israel I expeced to feel like this place isn't my home anymore, I mean, I feel like I'm at home in NY, and I thought that there's only a certain ammount of home feeling a person can have, and that having a home somewhere, automatically makes you a stranger in another.

I do feel at home here, and I do feel at home in NY part of me want to stay here forever, another part wish I'd be back in Brooklyn already and didn't have to feel so torn apart.

old home

This is the door to the house I grew up in till I was 7. my parents moved to a place in the same block after that.

I have very little memories from this place, but I do remember it. At the time, there was no metal 24 on the door, but a painting of a cat (I think) my dad made. The door was the same color white, but it better shape.

I remember the huge room and me and my sister share, I remember a tiny living room which, at night, turned into my parent's bedroom, and the paved yard with plants in it, and a plastic table. I remember the long dark kitchen with the narrow table and narrow bench my parent's had made especially to fit into the room. I remember small moments there, but nothing sharp, some of the things I know I only think I remember because I was told about them later or saw a photograph of.

Our Monocromatic day

The past couple of days were very hectic. I had to take care of a stack of annoying formalities, mostly (thanks gods or whoever else is responsible for such things) over the phone.

Also, we met a massive amount of people over the past couple of days, it's so wonderful to see so many friends, and especially from the distance of about 2 years - it's really interesting and inspiring to see how much everyone grew, learned, settled down in themselves, and mostly - are happier then they used to be. Or at least how it seem to me, maybe I just learned to see happiness better.

Tomorrow is the big stressful day - we are going to a meeting with the Jerusalem museum art curator in the morning, then meeting my dad, my sister and my grandparents - all this in Jerusalem - a city I don't really like and not at all feel comfortable anymore. I'm nervous about how early we need to get up, and about how the meeting will go, and about meeting my family. Somehow, I don't think that this will discover new resolves of happiness.

So today, I decided to not make any plans. Me and Ned had a leisurely breakfast with my sister, who worked in the afternoon, then Ned went to the gym and I manage to get about a half hour of quite drawing in a cafe. We walked around all afternoon, going to the beach, the market, and just aimlessly wondering around the different neighborhoods.

Lucky cats from lucky socks!

Check out those awesome cats me and my sister made yesterday!

Unexpected stroll

So after 4 days of wondering around vacation style, the week started and it was time for the less fun stuff, I have some errands here with banks. social security, I want to see my dentist, maybe get my teeth cleaned, talk to my insurance guy about my pension plan, maybe get a new pair of glasses. I hate this type of calls, and I hate running errands, especially since I feel very much out of the loop and irresponsible about how I have handled things on the Israeli aspect of my life in the past few years.

But first thing first we went to find Ned a gym for the next week, and to try and find a patch for his pants. He got to CK jeans about a month and a half ago and decided to wear them to the trip. The are totally falling apart now with a big hole in the knee and 2 holes in the back pocket.

We had an early breakfast, found a gym, and then tried for the patches which led to a long long walk to Nachalat binyamin, Bialik st., the market and basically, all my favorite places.

The rest of the errands were only a very partial success, made a dentist appointment, but no opening at the hygienist, manage to figure out how much I owe social security, but couldn't pay it cause I'm still waiting for my non-expired visa card, couldn't get hold of the bank, couldn't get hold of the insurance guy. Couldn't get hold of a curator Ned and I were planning to meet.



I'm feeling so confused now.

On one end I'm having a wonderful time and I feel right at home here and want to stay forever. On the other hand I miss NY terribly and wantto be home already. I feel like this trip barely begun, and yet as if I have no time for anything I need and want to do, and like it's almost over already. At the same time, I feel like it's too long somehow.

A lot of this had to do with being frustrated with my family issue and not being able to ignore it as I can in NY. I don't know what I expected, but I know I'm already disappointed.

Abu Adham

Oh, good hummus, how I missed you!

3rd day in Israel

The 3rd day just started, we are about to finally get dressed and go out. It's my sister's birthday and we are going to the flee market, and then meeting a friend. It's beautiful and sunny out, and strangely enough, though this is the city I call home more then any the world, it feels like a real vacation.

Ned and I were so focused on the bad stuff that can happened, that neither of us even imagined that it can actually be fun.

I want to remember to remind myself that I tend to focus on the bad and that I can also, maybe, learn to also have room for the good.

Almost there

So today I bought some gifts for some people, I got fuel stabilizer for the motorcycle, which we'll bring up tomorrow, and a headphone split so that we can listen to an audio book together on the plane. I got some melatonin that's suppose to help with Jet lag, a presentation box for some of the art we are taking with us. I mostly cleared the mess in the apartment, mostly. I wrapped all the gifts, made a pile of the cloths I want to take, charged my camera batteries.

I thought I lost of of the document that I need to be able to get back into the USA, and went crazy for half an hour until it turned up. got our passports out of the safe, and my green card and my Israeli ID and medical insurance card.

I keep making lists of stuff we still need to take care of tomorrow - empty the fridge, pack some things, take the computer and the cameras and the phones and all their chargers, Ned needs new pills which we can't get in Israel, Talk to the super about getting the bike up.

Ned took care of making a million prints today, after a few days of trying to get our printer working again, we finally gave up and he went to print them in the shop. He e-mailed a book publisher, and a model agency owner, and now, retouching the last of the photos from our last shoot, to be send out tonight, before we go.

We had a small fight today, on the way to the supermarket. He was talking about jeans, and he felt like everything I said was putting him down, like I wasn't being supportive, or considerate. I didn't feel like I was doing that, I don't know maybe I did, maybe we are just tense before the trip. We talked about it in the apartment, a few minutes after getting back, and couldn't really reach an agreement.

I'm scared that this is how this whole trip is going to be like. He talks about being there for me and being supportive, but I keep feeling stressed about us being there together, the change in our living arrangement and me being more social and having a lot more obligation, is going to make him really unhappy. I really hope that I'm wrong and that's not how it's going to go.

Tired

Packed the etsy package for sending tomorrow.
Finished a design for an ad and send it to the client.
Packed a gift for my sister, my other sister and a friend.
Found my medical insurance card.
Made a list of phones numbers of people I know in Israel.
Did the laundry and washed my backpack.
Cleared my desk.
Re packed my backpack.
Talked to the bank about my credit card.
Finish making Christmas card for my store.

Still a lot to do tomorrow, but suddenly, the knowledge that we are leaving for Israel dropped on my head like a brick. I'm excited, and nervous. It feels like the beginning of something and the end of something else. I really hope Ned's not going to have a really hard time over there, having to share my attention with a lot of other people. I really hope that staying at my sister would not drive him crazy. That he will not suddenly learn things about me he doesn't like. I keep imagining us having fights in the street and feeling lost out of our element, away from our home.

I don't know why this trip feels so much like a"make it or break it" point in my life. I wish I didn't.

Another phone entry

So Ned went to the gym today, and I went to draw at blackbird. We were supposed to go into the city and to long island city and run some errands, but we were both such a nervous wreck in the morning, I decided that we'll take care of ourselves today and take care of life tomorrow.

I took the phone with me, first time I'm adding this connection to the world to my "me" time.

The result - took care of 2 work e-mail on spot, which was great, but finished only 1 drawing. And not feeling the disconnection and calmness I usually feel while drawing. Though this is more because of the stress I feel in life now rather then the phone, I think.

I hate getting used to new things. And changing the definition of myself.
Also, I don't like the no spelling check on this, I feel sort of vulnerable to being thought of as stupid.

Update: Back at home, at my own beautiful computer, suddenly a full size keyboard feels like a luxurious king size bed after months of sea voyage in one of those bench folding beds. I got back into this post to add the photo that I took while writing this entry (is there a way to do this on the phone and I just couldn't find it yet?! I'm not sure) and, to spell check.

It's strange, I used to not care about spelling as much (or at all really) but now I do. For some reason it makes me feel bad that I do, as if I complied with some odd social acceptancey or strange manners I could formerly ignore.

winner!

Tangopottery is the winner of my blog giveaway raffle!

New books

Someone in moleskin should totally start paying Andrea who organizes moleskin exchange a cut...

I just finished my old moleskin (8x5 watercolor) last week, but I found myself getting a lot more excited about the drawings I did in the group books, so I decided to see if size does matter and give a different size a chance, so - one 8x5, probably I'll take that one on my trip to Israel. An A4 for me and an A4 for Ned, he might or might not use it, so maybe I have two of those for me. And the very frightening looking A3, I hope I'll be brave enough to even open that one, by far way bigger then my comfort zone book, but I think it'll be a cool thing to try.

a second try

for blogging from my new phone.

Ned and i looks like me and my sister did in that long boring summer at my grandparents with only a couple of those old old nintendo games for entertainment. up until this day i'm pretty sure she has the highert score in the world for Snoopy tennis.

phone

So today Ned and I got new phones. I don't really like phones (that's an understatement...) actually I loath them, mostly beacaalking on the phone makes me really anxious, the thing is that aside of a few work calls a month, Ned does all of our interactions. So I got a new phone now, with texts and emails and facebook. I really hope it' make me connect more with the world.

sort of down

Couldn't sleep last night, or rather fall asleep at 10:00, woke up at midnight and couldn't go back to sleep till around 8:30 AM, I was watching the sunset and reading a book, trying to get my eyes tired enough to close on their own, and for my mind to stop working, it didn't happened until there was light outside, noise and people taking on the hallway and the feeling of actual morning in the air.

I know that how i'm feeling right now is mostly because I'm tired and cranky.

I had a dream last night in which for a strange chair of event, me and Ned just had to have ice cream for every meal for a day, someone bought it for us and it was impolite to refuse, then we were going somewhere and the only food place was an ice cream store and again, we just had to have it, and so forth and so on. It started fun but as the day progressed, in my dream, I felt more and more out of control, more and more fat and anxious about eating all that ice cream, in the dream I was trying to find a way to go back and not eat it, though I knew I couldn't.

I woke up feeling bad about the apple crumble and ice cream from the night before, and feeling bad about obsessing about food.

I've been spending most of the day in front of the computer doing nothing. Trying to finish a million small projects and giving up after 5 minutes, going back to reading the news, reading gossip, playing stupid farmville, checking flickr and getting annoyed about no new comments and no new views, same for blogger, same for Etsy.

I made food, a batch of chilly from sprouted beans, collared greens that were on the verge of going bad, a large put of rice and lentils, now the fridge is full of Tupperwares filled with cooked food we'll probably never eat.

I have to finish this design project, do the blog ruffle, pack some etsy packages, dammit, answer e-mails, which I seem to never do anymore and probably everyone i know think I don't love them anymore. I have a project all finished and ready to be cut, shot and listed on etsy, and I can't seem to have enough energy for the 10 minutes it will take to finish it. I feel like such a slacker.