Sadness

A couple of days ago, Ned answered the phone, it was his father, telling him that he just got back from another scan and that the cancer is back. Since the doctor basically tried everything else by now, the next stage in treatment is stem cell transplant, which seem to be this holy grail of cancer treatment.

Unlike the past couple of times, I wasn't shocked by the news, I guess by now I already know that cancer is more of a chronic condition then a dramatic one treatment and it's gone sort of a thing.

Ned and I were sitting in blackbird parlor even though we were already late for a meeting in the city, to eat something and relax from the shock. My brain was felt like it's got this big rock in the middle of it that it's trying to ignore, my mind kept slipping to other aspect of the situation, like who's going to take care of the dog while Ned's dad is in the hospital and how this is actually a good thing and all sort of other angles of this.

I'm still doing it, my mind doesn't want to think of certain words now. Sad words like "death", "cancer", "mortality rate", "quality of life" and so on. I keep referring to the cancer as "that" or "it". I want to cry but can't bring myself to, because that would be admitting that this thing (see?!) is going to happened. My head hurts from thinking in circle around this big rock.

It just seem so unfair that a person who had the kindness to welcome me into his family in such a wonderful way wouldn't win all the karma points that will allow him to live in perfect health forever and ever.

As usual he's being super positive and amazing about confronting this scary situation, as usual it's hard on all of us to not be able to hear any emotional reaction from him about having cancer or having to go through scary treatments.

I wish that he'll get a call from the doctor tomorrow telling him it was someone else's test result and he's just fine, I know it won't happened.

Me and Ned just wonder around the apartment, between the bed and the couch and the computer. I'm trying to get some work done, I start things but don't finish them, I'm tired and restless. I feel so helpless.