About Passion

I don't think I'm a not happy person, I actually experience so much happiness, and joy, I'm pretty sure that when I age more the lines on my face would me smile and laughter lines, and not grumpy sad lines. I was thinking about passion and happiness and I don't think that they are opposites of one another. I was trying to think of what is the opposite of passion and though my first word was "depression" that wasn't so right either, cause I do know people who are very happy in their lies and lack any kind of passion.

I think the opposite of passion in contentment.

And though I am a happy person, at least some of the time, I'm not really content, almost never at least. maybe when I'm asleep, though not when I dream. I don't think my discontentment comes from not liking where I am or not being happy with my life, but from always wanting more and always feeling like I'm not doing enough, not being enough.

A Dream

Last night I dreamed.

We were at an event, maybe a concert or an art show or backstage fashion week or something.

We both had cameras and were shooting faster and faster.

Then you came over, tilting my camera and unscrewing my lens, you connected it to your camera and went on shooting. I yelled after you "I need that, I'm shooting to" but you already disappeared in the crowed and you didn't hear me.

Last night, we were laying in bed, in the darkness. I was doing the math in my head, when did we have sex last, who innitiated, what are my chances of tempting you with my body, what are my chances of getting rejected. I kiss you and slide my tongue in your mouth.

You hug me and tell me you are afraid. We talk, about comfort zones, about the past, about family and art, we laugh and breath together. We worry about money, we worry about getting old.

Eventually, you start breathing slowly and fall asleep.

I stay awake, and worry some more, thinking about putting this art thing on a lower flame and start looking for a job. I listen to your slow breath when I jurk off.

Beautiful people

Day dreaming about perfect red nails and perfect orange lipstick. Of laughter and sparkles and silk stockings with a black line in the back. Of heart shape lockets and orange blossom smell.

There's a dark brown stain on my hand, I don't know if it's blood or paint. I want to change, I'm scared to change. It always feel like either it's too early or too late.

Tears in public

Not that I'm sad, not exactly.

Just stressed and overly excited and full to the brim with emotions.

I love and hate this feeling at the same time. Flying to close to the sun. I might burn out or fall and smash to pieces, but the view is painfuly beautiful.

Fragile

Like a thin glass ball full to the brim with water and feel like every movment, every harsh word spoken out of place, every minute shift will make the glass sutter into a million pieces and the water to flow in all direction.

Ned is sitting across from me, writing an e-mail on his phone. We are both tired and have no energy or will to communicate. He woke up at 2:00 today. I woke up at noon.

On of those nasty days of longing. Of wishing to be different then who I am. Of memories sounding louder in my mind then the noises of current reality. Of grasping at straws and trying to keep my head above water.

Printing Seminar

Trying to follow the words, technical terms and powerpoint slideshow. Honestly, I don't understand any of it. Could it be that I never knew all this or is it that I'm too tired and too occupide with my own thoughts and feeling to let any new information it?!

I feel like a kid sitting in on an adult dinner, trying to be a grown up and follow a conversation, but actually getting lost in the mummble of conversation.

FWNY

Today we went to Bryant park to shoot backstage at the "twinkle" show. We only had one pass so I had to stay out while Ned went in.

I waited at the "waiting tent" where there was a long line of people waiting to get into the show, a bunch of random people who went inside to see what it was all about, and of course - a million people with cameras, video cameras, microphones and notebooks all covering this event.

Even though there are 4 bouncers in the entry and a big sign saying "no entry without invites" that apply to the event and not to this waiting area, so really anyone who wants to go inside can, I think, however that the 4 bouncers and sign makes it so that people just don't go in. I however did.

It felt very much like the duty free area in an airport - a lot of companies logos, and stuff that looked like stores, but didn't really sell anything, just promoted stuff, people walking around feeling sort of lost and trying to look like they are having a good time, while at the same time look nonchalant about actually having ot wait in line. A bunch of waitresses in company T-shirts walked by with trays of drinks, mineral water is some fancy packaging and some weird looking candy.

I really hated being there, there was something really humiliating in knowing that Ned could go somewhere i couldn't and that I was stuck in this 3D advertising poster for 2 hours. I walked around and around the line that was forming and growing and shot the crowd.

The one really cool thing was that people in the tent knew there were going to be photographers in, and that if they look all beautiful, they might make it into some magazine \ blog \ newspaper. So unlike anywhere else, when they noticed a camera pointing at them, they turned and gave a huge smile instead of turning away like most people do when they notice someone take their photo.

All those logos and posters made me really depressed, I was facing the sad fact that this whole event is not about fashion, but about money and commercializing, about selling stuff, and more then that, about creating that desire to buy stuff in the huge crowd that's not even taking part in this event. It made me want ot erease my memory card and not use any of the photos, because I'm helping promote this shit just by posting them online or using the words "fashion week" to describe them.

Eventually my compromise was to crop out or retouch all the logos out of my photos. I'm not fully happy with that, but I guess I want to show my photos more then doing right as far as ideals goes.