Phonecall

So the first thing I felt was really proud of myself. The second was ashamed at being proud for something most people do wihout giving in another thought. Worst, something I used to do without giving it another thought.

Ned left a massage on my phone to call his mom. She's having a trunk show and have some of my art for display. One of the plates were missing a price tag, and she needed to know how much to sell it for.

My first instinct was to lie, to tell Ned I didn't notice his voicemail. It was so obvious to me, I didn't think of anything else to do.then I actually made that call, said hi, talked to Ned's mom for a minute, let her know what she needed to know and ended the call.

Some days, especially when I overcomes my anxiety, I hate them so much. And myself for not doing better.

Morning

I fall asleep last night at 9:30 after going to Ned's parents house to set up for a trunk show and have dinner with them. We were all tired. Coming home I lay down in my cloths and glasses till Ned came to bed and wreseled me out of them, I remamber that just barely, then, nothing but dreams.

Sitting in a coffee shop

Drawing and having tea.

It's cold in here, and the music it too loud.

Even with the headphone on, and a story playing. I still feel exposed and can't really leave my thought enough to focus on the drawing.

I feel like such a stranger today.

Early morning

Around 8:30, and we are having breakfast at home, the restaurants are all still closed. Ned is clean shaven and smells like a forest. He clears the dishes of the table in t shirt and underwear.

We speak about last night, the friend we met for dinner, the conversation we had.

Light is falling, warm and golden, through the bathroom window.

I can't quite think in words just yet.

A domestic day

Making soup and barely for the week, and trying to sync google calendars with Ned.

It feels like winter.

I was at : 289 N 7th St, Brooklyn, NY 11211,

Coffee

A cup of coffee, another cup of coffee, a cookie for me, granola and yogurt for Ned. We are both somewhere between exusted, disappointed, sad and overwhelmed. I feel like all I want righ now is sit and stare into space, and not interact.

Instead, we talk, about my family, about my dad, about feeling lonely.

I want to cry, but feel like even that, right now, is too much to do. To much to bare.

I wish I could feel happy and light all the time, without remembering the past or worrying about the future.

Mixed emotions

Before comming to Israel I expeced to feel like this place isn't my home anymore, I mean, I feel like I'm at home in NY, and I thought that there's only a certain ammount of home feeling a person can have, and that having a home somewhere, automatically makes you a stranger in another.

I do feel at home here, and I do feel at home in NY part of me want to stay here forever, another part wish I'd be back in Brooklyn already and didn't have to feel so torn apart.