Sunday, March 15, 2009

Self loathing


I don't think my skin ever looked this bad in my life. I never used to have any type of skin problem till I stopped taking the pills a few years back, now I'm getting all of what I missed in my teens, in my 30's.

I don't think I was ever this fat. I know I've never been this old. I look in the mirror and i hate the way I look.

Hanging out with friends today, who came from a photo shoot all dolled up and gorgeous, all I could think of was "I'm the oldest, the fattest and the ugliest woman in this restaurant".

I know most of this is stress about Ned's father being in the hospital, and that it's not really that bad. I know I'll be happy again and feel better about my skin and my wrinkles and the fact I never wear any make up or high heels shoes. I know this to shall pass.

I'm trying to finish a book of drawings I've been working on before our LA trip, and a book of photographs of craft stuff for that as well, I'm trying to make stuff for Etsy and list them cause it's been going pretty slow there for me since the beginning of the month, I'm trying to make some drawing for a submission in a galley in Brooklyn, and work some more on the new series for a new exhibition I've been working on.

I feel like I'm doing nothing and that I'm just starting more and more stuff and never finishing anything.


lostfoundagain said...

I've also been having problems with my skin ever since I went off of birth control. Some days I look in the mirror and I feel so ugly because of that. I'm hopefully going to go back on the pill soon. The stress from everything going on right now probably makes your skin worse than it would usually be too. I still think that you look younger than you are. You could pass for someone in her mid 20's.

It's true that the general stress and anxiety in your life is probably a big part of why you're stressing over these things now. I know that when I'm really high anxiety, it's like every little thing becomes a huge deal and makes me feel awful.

In general though, even if you don't believe in things like high heels and makeup and stuff, it's hard to be in a group of women who are all glamorous looking and dressed up and made up etc. without feeling a little bit "lesser than".

I hope things with Ned's dad go okay and this whole ordeal is behind you all very soon. I hope the recovery is not too harsh either.

yoon see said...

I also have skin problem and I am taking daily natural vege and fruit juice. It's beginning to see some good progress.
Steroid is just for temporary control. Please take care.
Good luck with your effort to sell your art. Just continue to have faith!