Thursday, October 1, 2009
Small and big reasons for pride
last July, when we were finally switching the winter cloths for the summer ones, I went over all my cloths and got rid of everything I no longer wear.
There were a pair of pants, a jeans, that I got after my first break up with Amichai, that month, being so sad an anxious, I barely eat and lost so much weight non of my pants fitted me anymore. I bought 3 pair of pants one evening after work at the mall, they were all size 26. After the second break up I lost more weight and those pants who were very tight to start became loose to the point I needed a belt for them.
After moving to NY, I could still wear them, I think I actually still needed a belt, but as time went by and I got used to feeling less anxious and being happy and as I got used to Ned's way of eating, at first I didn't need the belt, then I couldn't fit in. They were left handing on the wall as a reminder of times when I was less fat. I really hated not fitting into them, but couldn't let go for about a year and a half - there was always some hope I'll fit in someday.
So that day in July, together with one pair of jeans with holes in them and another pair that I never liked, I sadly packed those jeans in a bag and dropped them at the salvation army store.
Fast forward to about a months ago, I found myself in Forever 21 and knowing it won't fit I bought a pair of jeans that was again, size 26. I don't know why. I felt really silly about it, I already have 2 pairs of jeans from the past couple of month and I don't need another one. I guess it was just too hard to accept the fact that I will not fit in a size 26 anymore.
Around the same time I made another attempt at the old project of starting to eat healthier \ less. Somehow this time, unlike a whole bunch of other attempts, it worked. I didn't give up on it after 3 days of starving myself, I didn't make a million rules and got anxious when I couldn't live through. I did find myself thinking more about food, but not entirely freaking out when I'm either hungry or when I eat too much.
in the beginning of the week I tried those pair of size 26 jeans and they fit! they are tight, I think they arr supposed to be tight bot not as tight as that, but still I could wear them, and breath at the same time.
Being proud of myself for being able to fit a size 26 jeans feels like a very silly and small reason to be proud of myself. But knowing that it's the first time in my life I actually managed to loose weight in a healthy way that just had to do with eating differently and not because I was depressed or something horrible happened in my life, feels like a pretty big reason to be proud of myself.