Thursday, October 1, 2009

Small and big reasons for pride

New jeans

last July, when we were finally switching the winter cloths for the summer ones, I went over all my cloths and got rid of everything I no longer wear.

There were a pair of pants, a jeans, that I got after my first break up with Amichai, that month, being so sad an anxious, I barely eat and lost so much weight non of my pants fitted me anymore. I bought 3 pair of pants one evening after work at the mall, they were all size 26. After the second break up I lost more weight and those pants who were very tight to start became loose to the point I needed a belt for them.

After moving to NY, I could still wear them, I think I actually still needed a belt, but as time went by and I got used to feeling less anxious and being happy and as I got used to Ned's way of eating, at first I didn't need the belt, then I couldn't fit in. They were left handing on the wall as a reminder of times when I was less fat. I really hated not fitting into them, but couldn't let go for about a year and a half - there was always some hope I'll fit in someday.

So that day in July, together with one pair of jeans with holes in them and another pair that I never liked, I sadly packed those jeans in a bag and dropped them at the salvation army store.

Fast forward to about a months ago, I found myself in Forever 21 and knowing it won't fit I bought a pair of jeans that was again, size 26. I don't know why. I felt really silly about it, I already have 2 pairs of jeans from the past couple of month and I don't need another one. I guess it was just too hard to accept the fact that I will not fit in a size 26 anymore.

Around the same time I made another attempt at the old project of starting to eat healthier \ less. Somehow this time, unlike a whole bunch of other attempts, it worked. I didn't give up on it after 3 days of starving myself, I didn't make a million rules and got anxious when I couldn't live through. I did find myself thinking more about food, but not entirely freaking out when I'm either hungry or when I eat too much.

in the beginning of the week I tried those pair of size 26 jeans and they fit! they are tight, I think they arr supposed to be tight bot not as tight as that, but still I could wear them, and breath at the same time.

Being proud of myself for being able to fit a size 26 jeans feels like a very silly and small reason to be proud of myself. But knowing that it's the first time in my life I actually managed to loose weight in a healthy way that just had to do with eating differently and not because I was depressed or something horrible happened in my life, feels like a pretty big reason to be proud of myself.


lostfoundagain said...

I think that's a very big reason to be proud of yourself! I can really relate to it because I also struggle/d with some of the same issues. And how cool is it that you're back to a size 26!

btw, I want to try on those jeans because my size 27 jeans from Forever 21 are too big on me now and I need to buy a pair that fits but I don't want to have to wait in line at the store to try them on.

Julie Sadler said...

looks like YOU
are under control!!!1
congrats yo!

blissful chick said...

you have every right to be proud