Monday, January 25, 2010
Trying to get back on track
I've been sick for a week, soar throat, swollen sinuous, tired all the time, no appetite and everything tasting like snot. For a week I did practically nothing. very little drawing, mostly finishing projects I started the week before. No going out farther away from the nearest lunch destination, no food in the house because I had no energy to go grocery shopping or cook.
Ned had to go alone to a couple of meetings with friends and a wake to a friend, mostly we both felt lonely.
So today, starting to feel a little better, I decided to start the week with Ned and not stay in bed anymore. We had a really nice and long lunch meeting with a photographer who published a book that had some of our photography in it. Then Ned went to therapy and I went home to mail a letter and go shopping in the Salvation Army store for some outfits for tomorrow's shoot.
I don't know why, maybe it's because I was starting to get back to life, maybe because suddenly the weight of this whole week and life in general fall on me, maybe because for the first time in a week I felt Ned close and was aware of anything aside of how crappy my body was feeling, but I got so so down and depressed. This whole working toward a career in photography and art felt ridiculous, like there's absolutly no way me and Ned can actually start generating enough money to support our life through that, I can hear the clock ticking in my head, money and time are running out and soon we'll be left with nothing.
We talked about it, both feeling helpless, sometimes it feels so close, like stars at night, like there's so much work out there and if we just reach a little higher, a world of fame and fortume will fall into our hand like a ripe fruit. Sometimes, like tonight, I feel like we are being stupid, immature and very irresponsible wasting the money we have on living now instead of saving for old age and getting a job.
I don't know what's going to happened, there is no magic trick, and I guess we just need to keep at it for now.