Tonight we went to the Rev. Vince Anderson and his love choir show again, we were there a couple of weeks ago, to the day. Back then, this whole going out thing was a lot more new and I felt a lot more raw about it. I liked the music but couldn't stand being there, my mind kept hating everyone in the room - the too enthusiastic girls dancing, the band, the whole Jesus thing, people drinking, people showing off, and so on and so on. I kept making assamptions and build stories and cases against all of them. Mostly, I just wanted to not feel so uncomfortable and blamed everyone in the room for how I was feeling.
Last week, something changes, it was a sudden change, I was in a room full of people, there was a reading going on and I didn't mind just being a part of a crowd, I enjoied being there and didn't feel like it's a dangerous situation and that I should defent myself against the masses.
It was really wonderful to go to the same show and notice that this change still held, I had a wonderful time, we were there for 2 hours almost that went by in what felt like 20 minutes, I took a lot of photos. I didn't feel a part of the crowd, I couldn't dance or just loose myself in the moment (that takes a lot more beer then I had really...) and there were a few Jesus mentions that made my teeth grind, but all that didn't keep me from enjoying myself, and didn't feel like I should mesure everyone in the room to feel safe.
I've been neglecting a lot of other things with this new going out rule, I totally blew it on a freelance design project I said I'll do and never wrote, called or answered the guy who gave me the project even though he wrote and called me. My etsy store is having it's worth month ever (only 4 sales so far, it's really sucks!) but I do feel like I accomplished, or still working to accomplish something important here.
It was really nice to see that this relative comfortableness came from me and not the event I was attending. I hope i can maintain this tomorrow.
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