Rough around the adges

Still feeling at least half sick and half out for the Benadryl I took last night.

3 good things happened in the last couple of days. I got an order for 6 cups from the company that makes the paints I'm using, a band who I met at "blackbird" contacted me about maybe illustrating a poster for them and I started a 6 weeks sales class for photographers with Ned.

Still I feel so raw, like I'm walking around without my skin on.

Trying to get back on track

I've been sick for a week, soar throat, swollen sinuous, tired all the time, no appetite and everything tasting like snot. For a week I did practically nothing. very little drawing, mostly finishing projects I started the week before. No going out farther away from the nearest lunch destination, no food in the house because I had no energy to go grocery shopping or cook.

Ned had to go alone to a couple of meetings with friends and a wake to a friend, mostly we both felt lonely.

So today, starting to feel a little better, I decided to start the week with Ned and not stay in bed anymore. We had a really nice and long lunch meeting with a photographer who published a book that had some of our photography in it. Then Ned went to therapy and I went home to mail a letter and go shopping in the Salvation Army store for some outfits for tomorrow's shoot.

I don't know why, maybe it's because I was starting to get back to life, maybe because suddenly the weight of this whole week and life in general fall on me, maybe because for the first time in a week I felt Ned close and was aware of anything aside of how crappy my body was feeling, but I got so so down and depressed. This whole working toward a career in photography and art felt ridiculous, like there's absolutly no way me and Ned can actually start generating enough money to support our life through that, I can hear the clock ticking in my head, money and time are running out and soon we'll be left with nothing.

We talked about it, both feeling helpless, sometimes it feels so close, like stars at night, like there's so much work out there and if we just reach a little higher, a world of fame and fortume will fall into our hand like a ripe fruit. Sometimes, like tonight, I feel like we are being stupid, immature and very irresponsible wasting the money we have on living now instead of saving for old age and getting a job.

I don't know what's going to happened, there is no magic trick, and I guess we just need to keep at it for now.

Feeling a great sense of achivement

Tonight we went to the Rev. Vince Anderson and his love choir show again, we were there a couple of weeks ago, to the day. Back then, this whole going out thing was a lot more new and I felt a lot more raw about it. I liked the music but couldn't stand being there, my mind kept hating everyone in the room - the too enthusiastic girls dancing, the band, the whole Jesus thing, people drinking, people showing off, and so on and so on. I kept making assamptions and build stories and cases against all of them. Mostly, I just wanted to not feel so uncomfortable and blamed everyone in the room for how I was feeling.

Last week, something changes, it was a sudden change, I was in a room full of people, there was a reading going on and I didn't mind just being a part of a crowd, I enjoied being there and didn't feel like it's a dangerous situation and that I should defent myself against the masses.

It was really wonderful to go to the same show and notice that this change still held, I had a wonderful time, we were there for 2 hours almost that went by in what felt like 20 minutes, I took a lot of photos. I didn't feel a part of the crowd, I couldn't dance or just loose myself in the moment (that takes a lot more beer then I had really...) and there were a few Jesus mentions that made my teeth grind, but all that didn't keep me from enjoying myself, and didn't feel like I should mesure everyone in the room to feel safe.

I've been neglecting a lot of other things with this new going out rule, I totally blew it on a freelance design project I said I'll do and never wrote, called or answered the guy who gave me the project even though he wrote and called me. My etsy store is having it's worth month ever (only 4 sales so far, it's really sucks!) but I do feel like I accomplished, or still working to accomplish something important here.

It was really nice to see that this relative comfortableness came from me and not the event I was attending. I hope i can maintain this tomorrow.

6 gallery shows in 2 days

Not quite sure how it happened, but I did go to 6 shows in 2 days! realizing how much I like the artistic vibe in my neighborhood even though I rarely take advantage of all the places to see art around here, it was nice to be out and about and get this feeling of saturation, from seeing so many different artistic endeavors.

This was my least favorite show of this art marathon, it was ery minimalist and conseptual, some combination of rocks, carpeting, sticks and other natural and non natural materials. Mostly, it felt like it was put up the day of the opening and thought of that morning. It wasn't very esthetically pleasing, but at the same time I couldn't see any other substance to it. the gallery is very small and it was very crowded, me and Ned left after 5 minutes or so.



The second gallery was just as small and twice as crowded, but there was a nice feeling in the room, people were talking and laughing, and the art was really nice. It was a series of paintings on paper of newspaper clipping, I felt like each piece was beautiful, but the whole collection together and how it was set in the space was creating a whole that's stronger then each piece separately.
Ned run into an old friend \ neighbor artist who was there who he haven't seen in a few years, who I heard about and never met before.



When I went into the next gallery, my first reaction was "Oh no, it's video art" usually, I really don't like video art. It was toward the end of the opening and the gallery was pretty empty. After a while, I actually really got into it, and I found 2 out of the 3 pieces really interesting and beautiful (the 3rd was a 45 minute film) the first was a series of beautifully shot photographs documenting a trip to somewhere in east Europe, with portraits of people met on the road, landscapes and road signs - it had a really strong nostalgic feel, that was almost fairy tale like even though it was painfully realistic at the same time. The other piece was a sort footage (apparently from a German WW2 cinematographer) of a beautiful woman putting out candles, then played backwards so that she blows the candles back to light.

I got home feeling so saturated, I couldn't fall asleep till 3:00 AM, then crushed with my cloths on and the lights on, with an audio book on that kept going in and out of my dreams.


The next day, Ned was heading to the gym, and I was walking toward "blackbird", stopping at Pierogi - one of my favorite galleries in the neighborhood. They didn't rail me this time! there are 2 shows there now, and both are wonderful. Being that it wasn't an opening, I had the gallery to myself which was wonderful! one show was of small colleagues, very colorful and condense, with a lot of hand written type, and small images in the mix. they all looked like freak show posters, or strange ads from the 30's, but were very personal in content.
The other show was made to look like tiny old photographs or Polaroid transfer, but instead of photos, there were tiny illustration telling an odd story of some car-person-animal hybrid, which had, sex, violence and racial issues in the mix.
Both shows had a lot of sense of humor while, in their very different ways, were also very dark. This was the best show of the weekend as far as I'm concern.


I went to blackbird and draw for 2 hours, came across a friend, then Ned and I went to brunch at Diner, then, on our way to another opening, we saw a gallery that had something that looked beautiful from outside, so we went in. What I thought was very delicate looking botanical drawing, turned out to be computer print out of hexagrams and skulls and suck like done with typing different letters and keyboard signs. On the other side of the gallery, what I thought was small acrylics in bright colors, turned out to be colleagues that to me, never managed to overcome the materials that they were made of ,and the combination of imagery didn't feel interesting or original enough to capture my attention. There was a short video piece that was somewhere between creepy and funny (in a good way) but really nothing to get to excited about.


I've seen the "williamsburg art & historic center" building a couple of times from outside and always wanted to go in, and so their group show for the year was the perfect reason to check it out. And as I suspected - it's beautiful! really, the space and stairs and molding are so cool, as well as the strange collection of furniture in the first floor and the strange looking bathroom. The whole place is very "Alice in wonderland" like - small spaces leading to big spaces and not quite sure where to go or how to get there kind of a building. the pieces in the show run between total amateur and bad to beautiful professional looking art, some was boring, some was awesome, but the room just took over and made almost everything look wonderful.

I'm so so happy ot be home now though and not having to go out again tonight!

Dust of Snow - Robert Frost

About a week before I received the book in the mail, I was on a long subway ride, and as I usually do, I read all the ads and signs on the train. I came across this poem by Robert Frost in one of those "train of thoughts" posters. I tried to not forget about it till I got home.

I really like how simple it is and how accurate it is, I often feel like those random moments of beauty makes me feel like life is worth living for.

The owl and the pussy cat

When I saw the cat (or is it a lynx?!) Heidi draw, I had a whole drawing made up in my mind, it was supposed to have a rainbow and moths in it, and be very light in color.

Yesterday, when I opened the book, I didn't quite feel like drawing the moths and rainbow, so I moved to my first spread. This morning, I still didn't feel like it, I realized that the drawing I had in my mind, was beautiful, but not in my style at all, and that it worked well in my imagination but should be executed by someone else, so I end up googling "cat + poem" and the first thing that came up was one of my favorite poems - The owl and the pussycat and so, I changed my plan, and got to use my new bird book for the owl.

Nice day out

I just joined foursquare yesterday. It's a site that document places you go to, and show you who else is there, and in a strange way, give you points and badges for being in places (as if just going to restaurants and cafes and bars weren't a reward enough). It's sort of scares me to admit how much time I spend in coffee shops, how much I eat out (it's such a waste of money, I know...) and, worst of all, the fact that I hang out in the same places over and over again, being totally unadventurous and sticking to the familiar.

Today however, I got to visit an area of Brooklyn I've never been to before - court street, which is really nice, actually a bit too nice for my taste, it's all small cafes, gourmet food stores, small charming vintage stores and so on. Sort of like Williamsburg but without any grit, industrial feel or artistic vibe.

Ned and I went there for a reading by Kio, a teacher, writer and over all cool person. We've met her when we were talking in front of a class she was teaching a couple of months ago. She was reading the first chapter from a novel she's working on.

I love readings and being red to, and it was one of the first events and activities Ned and I attended in the past month in which I felt totally at ease and just enjoined myself. We end up buying 3 books - a bird guide to use as reference, an anthology of Brooklyn writer and a book about the history of motorcycle design.

Then went to eat at some non exciting but rather yummy Mexican place across the street.

Devotion

This project started with frustration, this is the slowest Etsy's been going on for me in ages, it's almost the middle of the month and I've only made 3 sales, it almost feel redundant to make more cups or tapas plates - there are so many of them in there already!

so, instead of giving up, and just getting depressed, I decided to make something new entierly, then a cutting paper mistake, led to changing what I wanted to make into this - a small art book illustrating a poem by Robert Frost:

Devotion
The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean -
Holding the curve of one position,
Counting an endless repetition.

Tarts!

Look at my new amazing tarts!

This story start a long time ego and involves swaps, gifts, an elephant bowl and plate and just one of those connections with someone sweet I knew from online and never thought to meet face to face. Everything changed a couple of weeks ago, when I swapped one of the Koi fish tapas plate with her, then a couple of days later, she e-mailed me the sweetest e-mail about coming to NY to be a guest in the Martha Stuart show and asking if I wanted to meet in person.

I'm really shy and making plans and returning e-mails can be really difficult sometimes, but I decided that I'm not going to let this one slip by and wrote back. So today we met, had coffee, food and talked for a really long time, and I got those beautiful felt tarts she made!

I know it's felt, but I'm still tempted to try and eat them, just in case.

Thanks Sharon! you rock!

Moleskin Exchange

Andrea's book just made it, the artwork is beautiful and super colorful. I love how different each book that came my way is so far.

Going to start working on it tomorrow and try to finish as fast as I can to make up for lost time.

Oh - and how cool is that sea goat?!

Loose ends

Non of my thoughts this morning go the whole way through, they keep twisting and mixing like commets or fish. Something about comunitty and family and responsiabilty, something about dreaming and awakfulness and the difference between. Something about feeling lonely in a room filled with people, who are, in turn, feeling lonely.

Swimming agaisnt the stream

Everything feels so difficult, not worth the efforts. Somedays the walk from the bed to the computer seem like the longest distance in the world.

Social Night - A break

Postcards from the edge is over, now we get to walk from chelsea down to around 9th street for a birthday party.

As I was taking photos on my phone in the gallery, I cought my own reflection on the screen.The messy hair, the loose skin under my chin, the tired eyes, and scars.

I know the insecurity is mostly about being in a room with a lot of people, and art. But still, all I could think of was how fat, old and ugly I look.

Social night - 1st stop

Postcards from the edge show. There are about 2000 postcards size pieces and same amout of people in a tiny gallery. It's super hot and crowded. My postcard got a shitty placement. I'm trying not to take it personally.

Blade Runner

We got to a special screening of blade runner and party at PS122 about an hour too late, the theater was packed and they didn't let us in. So we went home.

We've gone out every day this week. A concert, a bar, figure drawing and then, that movie we couldn't go into. We didn't talk to anyone, but we did stay for more then 30 minutes. Well, aside of the movie.

One of the things I was hoping for was that going out will take a bite of that dead time, the hours I spend miandering aorund the internet doing nothing really, or playing farmfille. Sadly it seem to be taking a bite from working hours instead.

We have 3 things to go to tonight, and I think we are going to try do all of them. Postcard from the edge opening, a friend's birthday and some art event party. I'm really nervous about this mass of events, and about how busy this weekend is going to be.

A letter to a friend

You dug yourself a grave.

With your own 2 hands.

And with your mind.

If you'll ever find your way back,

To the world of the living,

You'll be the stronest person I know.

Union Pool Double Feature

With the new year starting and so does the new week, there was no more excuses and after a couple of days relapse, we are back on the one event a day plan.

Yesterday, we went to union pool to see a show by Rev.Vince Anderson and the love choir, I've heard about this show ages ago, it was one of those things I was planning to see for ages, but never got around to. Also, though i heard it was really cool, I had no idea what the show is going to be like.

We got into union pool after the show started, and WOW, was the music good, I'm so impressed at the level of excitement and positive energy this guy just spread over the room! it was really one of the best shows I've ever been to.

The one thing I didn't know and sort of wish I did was how religious oriented this show, was, I guess the "Rev." was supposed to be enough of a warning, but somehow, it wasn't. Every song was about Jesus, finding Jesus, thinking of Jesus, feeling Jesus and so on. I was feeling so uncomfortable just being there, and feeling so religiously misplaces made me sort of angry, then angry at myself for being angry. It's always amazing to see how prejudice I can be to religious people, really without any good reason.

Girls were dancing, people were drinking and having fun, the music was awesome and Vince Anderson sang beautiful songs about accepting others' being a good person and not an asshole, and general happiness and I stood in the corner feeling like I wish some horrible scandal happens involving this guy so that I don't have to like him or let my conception about religion be changed in any way.

Saying that, I do plan to go to this show again next week, and hoping next time I can let go of my own judgments enough to let go and enjoy the music.

Rev.Vince Anderson and the love choir perform every week at Union pool, on Monday between 11:00PM - 2:00AM




Today we were supposed to go to a very cool event in a bar in Bushwick, however, it was cold, we check transportation option and everything meant walking over 15 minutes, and we have a meeting tomorrow that might turned out to be very important, so we decided to find something closer.

I found a concert in the neighborhood, but then, as we were getting dressed to go, Ned saw that Jason was DJing at Union pool, so we decided to check it out. we didn't checked when though, and got there way way to early. So we set in one of the tables in a mostly empty bar, and spend half an hour just being thee, not really connecting to anyone, but not feeling so bad either.

We finished the evening having some fun in their photo booth.

wild wild horses

Strangely enough, I got 2 orders the same day from people wanting sea horses on purple background. So yesterday, I set down to finally make them. I was on a roll, so after finishing order 1 (5 Japanese cups) and order 2 (a big milkshake glass) I made a snack set, and that one is up for sale in the store.

Shallow bruises

On the walk between the table and the bathroon

I hit my knee against a chair and pinched my finger

In the craqck between the door and the door frame.

I wanted to be alone today.

To draw, and think, and not think.

I wanted to seat with my headphones on

And take a break from myself.

Instead, I run into a bunch of friends,

We talked, I had coffee. It's 2:45 and I feel like

I'v been in this cafe forever.

In the bathroom I look at my face in the mirror.

The lines, the blemish.

I retrace the conversations, marking the awkwardness, the missplaced jokes, the silences in angry lines

As red as the wall

Shading

This is how this sock came out of the laundry, intangled in my hair. I do hope that by the end of winter I'll have some left on my head.

Shoot today

After not shooting for 3 weeks and feeling all burdened with the past.

I wish I could get more into it.

The past

In my dream I went back, slowly, moving in with my sister, then, with my parents, then with my ex boyfriend. I open closets and found cloths and books I got rid of years ago, and some I never owned before.

Things changed around me, houses were replaced, I moved into old cities and new cities, and I had no control or choice in the matter. Till I wasn't myself anymore.

Awake

4:00 PM

About half way dreassed, didn't brush my teeth yet.

Hangover

Strong feelings from yesterday feels like a thin condenced substence at a bottom of an empty cup.

Remembering a thought from a few days ago, while looking in a sketchbook of a model we met:

Every moment, amazing, wonderful, magical, frightening things happening around us, on a celectial and on a cellular level.

What we need to remember is that our battle is in the hear and now.

after a conversation with a firend

Life, man, it's fucking tough, just making it through a day, just getting out of bed in the morning, it's so damn hard - we should all get fucking prizes, just for making it through a day.

All the relationship we have, at work, in family, in love, it's so hard to be yourself, it's so hard to be there for someone else. it's so hard to just say the simple things - this is me, this is what I need, this is who I am, this is what I want - I want you to give me those things, I want you to be there for me. I want to be honest and open with you - will you be there for me and never leave, please, please please.

All we ever want, however we dress it up, however sophisticated we get about naming it, is undivided attention.

life - it's so simple.
people - we are so complicated.

We all play our role, as if we were in some fucking movie, because really, we don't know how to act as if we are in real life, because all of our role models comes from a 90 minute long drama, because there's really nothing to be learned from our parents aside of how NOT to be, because in searching of how to be perfect we lost the search of who we are, and even more important, of what we want.

The hardest thing is life is standing in front of the world and saying "this is me, this is what i want, now give it to me - I'm ready to deal with disappointment, with rejection - but this is who I am, this is what I want, this is my body, this is my soul, imperfect, incomplete, not content, human - I can't make it on my own - work, people, friends, family, I need you, I cannot deal with life on my own, and I won't make it without you, my strength is in being able to bare this, and being able to ask for help. I am weak, I am human - love me, want me need me, and most importantly, don't leave, me, without you I am nothing"

The hardest thing in life is feeling this and not being able to say it.

The hardest thing in life is being so afraid, that you can't even acknowledge that feeling.

The hardest thing in life is giving up on everything, just cause saying that you need and want things it too hard that you rather live in a cave and never come out or interact with anyone.

human existence is messy. To live to love, to be alive means to constantly deep your hands into shit, into muck, into a pulsing flash and blood, into darkness - then reach through, and if you are super lucky, your hand will be holding a star.

80 years to live - 29,200 days - 700800 hours - 42048000 minutes

so many moments to feel shitty about yourself, so many opportunities to avoid yourself, to pretend, so settle for less, to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, to be a victim, to victimize other.
So may moment, to be brave to say what you want to be crystal clear, to know, to feel to love.

life - we all fucking live them, it's all we've got.

Waiting

Waiting for the food I ordered, hungry and don't even remember what I ordered.

Worried about a friend that just called. He might be comming over. I hope things are not to bad.

Before, I was working on last year's taxes, making totals of my earnings for the year. Now, feeling silly, worthless.