The only way is up

I woke up feeling like shit this morning, I'm not sure why, maybe it's because my computer's system had been upgraded and I lost a bunch of information in the process, maybe it's going back to working after a week of doing nothing, maybe it's just that my period is in a few days. Whatever the reason is. I woke up at 11:00 after about 5 hours of sleep and was so anxious I couldn't fall asleep again.

Ned was still sleeping. I read the news in the computer, there's a war in Israel again, it's strange not to be there for it.

When I opened my eyes, a bit of a dream or a thought or a smell made me have a really strange craving for this chicken my mom used to make, with oranges, I haven't had it for years and I don't even like it, but at that moment - I would give anything to have a piece.

So I read the news some more, try to overcome this overwhelming sadness, this crushing feeling of panic despair. I have half a shot of Jameson's before I even make coffee. I read the news some more, then try to get my scanner fixed and do some Etsy work, feeling really crappy.

So then Ned wakes up, we get dressed, I tell him about the chicken craving and we decide to have breakfast at EGG, they have really great Fried Chicken, which though, not at all like my mom's orange chicken is the closest we could get.I wear my shoes, the shoe lace snaps off! I wear my coat, and realize I can't find my hat or gloves anywhere in the apartment. That hat is big! unlike other things, it never stay hidden for too long, it's just gone.

So we go to EGG and my hands are cold in the not-so-cold-weather gloves, and I'm pissed and there's a short line, so we wait. Or rather I wait, while Ned goes to where we had breakfast yesterday to ask and no, they didn't see my hat, so he comes back and I go the the dessert shop we went to in the evening, and no, they didn't see it either. I'm tired and cranky and really pissed off. I walk back to EGG and we still have to wait.

WE go in and sit in a table right by the window and then move cause it's so cold, and the very busy waitress take our order over another table's head and guess what?! no Chicken.... I almost cry, but I have a sandwich instead and it's pretty good. There's a woman sitting next to us who keep calling biscuits "scones" and though her friend correct her, she keeps saying "but it's just like scones" and I'm thinking " if she say scone one more time, I'm bashing her head off with the water bottle" I'm just not in people mood and there are a lot of people there.

We go to the city, and ask in Coffee shop - the waitress remember what my hat looks like, but she didn't see in, neither did the cashier in Strand. It's just gone.
Eventually I try the art store, though I'm sure it's not there and already trying to figure out what my new hat would look like, know that for sure it's not going ot be as cool and pretty as my old one.

Even before I reach the cashier, I notice my hat on the shelf with a note on it, they found it and it makes me so happy I'm dancing around the store and thanking them like a million times. Coming home I see that 2 things got sold in the store, and apparently I was on Etsy's first page.

There's a war in Israel and I feel a little embarrassed by being so emotionally effected by a hat, but really, the happiness and sadness I experience today with this hat thing was so extreme it's pretty mind blowing.

clandestine or Staying undercover

This is a drawing of the spy Mata Hari who was executed for espionage at the end of world war 1. I love the fact that she made her spying carer while not trying to hide herself, but quite the opposite - becoming a performer and being a very public figure.

I've been keeping myself in hiding in the past couple of days, I decided after the last trunk show of the holiday season, that since it's not going to be much of a busy Etsy week, I'm going to take some time off and just rest and, well, do nothing. It's hard when you are working from home and when what you love doing is also what you work at to just stop. Also, because promoting is a big part of my work, taking time off meant, for me, not producing art or blogging or going on flickr or doing anything like that.

I'm not quite sure what the purpose was, I think I just needed a break without feeling bad about it. And so, I spend the last couple of days on vacation - I played Spore for a couple of days, then watched Ned play it for a couple of days. I've slept in strange hours, I've eat junk food and snacks, and the house is even more messy then usual, including a bunch of pots still full of food on the stove which, since I didn't pack - I will have to throw out. I didn't answer any e-mails, work of friend related and basically just been wallowing in my own body, even though I showered - I feel like a mess!

I guess sometimes I just need to slow down and do nothing, even if it means 10 hours of stupid computer games. I'm trying not to feel guilty, and I fail...

AstulaBee

AstulaBee, originally uploaded by Aya Rosen (the artist formerly known as Lilly1975).

This artist is so amazing! I'm constantly surprised by her creativity, super subtle sense of style, and amazingly rich inner world.

You can read the interview at www.louchelink.com

After Trunkshow Blues

Today was the fact and fancy meet the artist trunk show in which I took part. I got so stressed about it all week that I made a massive massive amount of stuff. The middle of the gallery is taken by a beautiful dining table which I knew i would have to myself, in my mind, the more stuff i made, the larger the table became, I think that by the last day of preparing, it was actually larger then the whole store.



The weather was against me, it was very very cold today, probably colder then it had been this year, so I think not too many people were out, but the store was pretty crowded most of the time, and I had some a nice time just hanging out with Danielle and being there.

When I started the Etsy store, I really liked the way it allowed me to sell my stuff without having to actually be there, in person, to sell my stuff. I'm shy and anxious around new people and a really terrible sales person. Also, I realized through this how hard it is to feel like my whole self esteem, in that moment, is focused on one person browsing around a shop full of really amazing stuff and either choosing or not choosing to buy my art.

It's really hard to know when to talk to people, when to leave them alone, when to make eye contact and I kept feeling like I'm somehow messing up or not getting it or that there's some trick to this that I didn't get, and everyone else know.

At the end of the day, 4 things got sold - a small painting, a large painting, a sake bottle and a small tapas dish. Danielle told me that so far, this was the best trunk show day! which made me feel so good, I felt so grateful for her for letting me know.

On the train, on the way back, I thought about how, when I started selling on Etsy, I felt the same, like there's something to figure out that will produce an ongoing sells flow and will somehow make it all work. Then after a wile, I learned that there's no such things, some weeks are better then others, some really suck, you have to keep promoting and making stuff and getting better, with time it get a little easier, not cause I figured anything out, but because I got used to it, I make a sale and another and it all ads up somehow, and every little bit of effort, time and money helps.

This was the last Trunk show I did this holiday season, they were all small low-key events, 2 of which were organized by Ned's mom who was an amazing help and a much much better sales person then me (I have a lot to learn from her) and this one, which I did on my own. I'm feeling a little sad for not making it into a big Christmas market or trunk show, at the same time, I know those 3 experiences were very forming in the way of wanting to get over the fear and put myself out there more. I wish it was easier though!



When I got home, Ned and I fell asleep shortly after arrival, I woke up at about 10:00 PM and felt so lost, not quite sure what to do now, I made so much stuff for the trunk show that didn't get photographed yet that it felt silly to make more things, eventually I just set in front of the computer for a long time, reading the Israeli News and other silly websites till I got bored.

Eventually I decided to scan some of the sketchbook art that haven't been scanned in the past couple of weeks.

trunkshow prep!

trunkshow prep!, originally uploaded by Aya Rosen (the artist formerly known as Lilly1975).

Excited and nervous about the fact and fancy trunk show tomorrow, I was getting ready for it in the past few days and in some odd Jewish mother like attack, kept feeling like I don't have enough stuff to bring.

So then, putting everything together for the show was pretty impressive cause there were just so much stuff! I hope it'll look nice in the store. I'll be there tomorrow from 2:00 PM, if anyone wants to come - you are all invited!

Hope I didn't forget anything.

Or in another words

Which I just thought of while taking a shower (probably the first one in about 3 weeks...)

My fear is like my ass, I don't like it cause it's too big, and cause I got it from my family, howeve,r there's no way to "get over my ass" or change it. I can't get over my fear. All I can do is go on living my life and hope it doesn't get too much in the way.

Strange New Age mambo Jumbo

An answer to an e-mail I got from a friend about freedom and liberation through tuning your body with the universe (I think)

Hay.

I’m going to write you a different e-mail later or tomorrow, cause you asked for Hebrew and my laptop is showing some death signs so I’m trying to fix it now. But I did want to response to this thing so, while I can do that in English I will. I’m writing it to you, but since you send the first e-mail to a bunch of people, feel free to send it to them as well, maybe it will start an interesting debate.

I’ve read what you wrote a couple of times in the morning, and a couple of times in the evening, it got mixed up with a conversation I had with Ned, with the book I was listening to, with my computer being messed up, with a bit of luck I had yesterday and a bunch of other things, it’s quite possible, that if I got that e-mail tomorrow or last week, it would make me feel quite different, but I did get it today so I’ll try to write about it from how I see things now.

There is no road to liberation; there is no process in the path to enlightenment or freedom. In my experience, there is only the currant place where we are in life, a hundred million tiny choices we make everyday, and they are all my chances to be free and act according to my free will. Some situations allow me more freedom, some less, some choices will bare an ill effect on the future and so even though I feel like doing something I might avoid it (yes, I don’t really think my body would be too happy in the long run if I eat another piece of cake so though I really want one, I’ll have some coffee instead). Some of those choices I choose because it’s the right thing to do, some on impulse, some because I’m scared, or feel responsible, some because I forget to really ask myself what I want and just go with the flow.

I’m scared, and I know, everyone I know is also scared, our life is flooded with fear – the fear of rejection, of pain, or being hurt, of messing up and being yelled at, of being held responsible for our own actions, being thought of as a freak, not being loved, being lonely, being alone.

For me, the only way to achieve anything that I have achieved in the past few years of my life, may it be a husband I love, living without the burden of a 9-5 job, a good relationship with my sister, a no relationship with my mother, an art show and some fame (though so far no fortune) friends and so on – came from accepting fear as a part of my life, but, still making the effort to choose what I wanted regardless to the fear. I’m also painfully aware of all the things I haven’t achieved yet - a good relationship with my family, financial success, fame, an art show in NY, better relationship with friends, an ability to fix my computer on my own, a regular (or any type of) physical exercise routine, a mid for business and so on, are very much not yet within my grasp cause I’m too scared to go for it.

And you know what?! That’s also OK, I might get there eventually, I might not, I know I have my own unique personality with it’s strengths and weaknesses, and I’m doing a little better on some days, and on other days, I’m doing worse. I don’t think I need to be perfect, all I can do or be in me – and sometimes that the best thing in the world and some times it truly and utterly sucks. And I’m happy to be me, at least, most of the time.
There is no road to liberation and there is no path to follow, don’t attempt to liberate yourself, be free! Don’t attempt to “walk the path to enlightenment” just turn on the light! Your life is being lived one minute at a time, whatever you do in that time is up to you. This is not a school there are no lessons to be learned, your life is a work of art that you are creating, a book that you are writing, it can be as short or as long as you choose it to be, it can be a well constructed plot or a stream of consciousness novel. How know, it might be a poetry book, or short stories, or a case study, or a shopping list – it’s up to you to live it the way you see fit.
Observing yourself and your life is mostly just a way to defend yourself from fear, being cynical, most of the time, is also, just a way to defend yourself from fear. It’s OK to use those methods, we all need our armors, and it’s also nice to find situations or way to take it off once in a while.

As far as I can tell, there is no god, there is no heaven and hell or reward or punishment, we create our own rewards and our own punishments. There are no distractions, there’s just life and what we choose to focus on, some times finishing studying for an exam is more important then going out drinking, sometimes a Metalica concert is more important then attending a funeral, sometimes, staying up till sunrise laughing in bed is more important then going well at an important meeting the next day, sometimes, the hardest thing in the world is picking up the phone, and the easiest is making 20 paintings in one night.

Staying focus on a target is just one way to perceive life.

Having a graceful sense of timing, a harmony with the world, though a profound experience, is just one way to interact with the world around us.

Being happy or content is just one emotion we can experience, it is not a goal, it is just that in this state we avoid fear, and the horrible feeling of not being good enough and emptiness, which are all, after all, also, just one more emotion on a large scale of what makes us human, and of what make us the individuals that we are.

Life is a constant struggle, because it changes around us, and we change in it, and I don’t think there’s some place or state of mind to aspire to. I know I hope to struggle and interact and be baffled and angry and sad and happy and silly and content and hungry and thirsty and in need of a stiff drink or a cup of coffee till I die. I don’t want to be enlightened; I just want to be me.

WOW!

WOW!, originally uploaded by Aya Rosen (the artist formerly known as Lilly1975).

check it out!

Oh my god! can you believe this?! Fact and fancy made it to some TV news show and my print is in there! how cool is that?!

Tethered to the Sun on Louchelink

I'm super excited about having tethered to the sun on Louchelink. They are one of my favorite people on Flickr and their photography is really amazing.

Read interview here:
http://www.louchelink.com/

News News News!

Well, the cool and big news in that I'm going to take part at the fact and fancy Holiday meet

the artist trunk show! Everyday, for a week there are going to host a different artist in the gallery and have more room for their stuff and I'm going to be one of those lucky people! Horay!

The Gallery in at 75 Hoyt st. in Brooklyn, and I'm going to be there on Saturday December 20th, I'm really happy and excited and now going into work frenzy to make enough stuff for this show. I'm making some hand painter ceramics and there's going to be some new art kits and reader kits as well as some original art and prints.

I really love their space and every time I'm there, I want to buy the entire store, get confused and buy nothing, but this time, I've decided that I got to leave the space with one gift for myself, so you can all come and help me pick what I'm getting.

Broken

Oh no!

Last year at about the same time, the exact same thing happened! a cold day, I touch my glasses and without any type of warning, they crack down the middle and break!

I'm not sure why, I'm glad I got 2 pairs last time I was in Israel and so I'm not really physically effected by this (plus, I was never in love with this frame).

Still it feels very disorienting and odd to loose something that's almost a part of my body.

My new frame is much lighter is if feels very odd not to have the weight of those on my nose and ears.

Shoot - Sierra

The first shoot we had in a while with an independent model who doesn't belong to an agency.

The experience of shooting a models is always surprising and fun for me. I always somehow expect them to "act like a model" which is my mind, I guess based on TV and movies, is somewhere between stupid and nasty - I'm not sure how I got so prejudgist, maybe it's jealousy or mistrust in beautiful people. Non of the models I've met were either stupid or nasty so far.

This girl was so awesome, she was funny and creative and just really fun to be around. She brought such great energy to the shoot.

New Site

We were sitting in Fornino Pizza this evening, Ned was feeling sort of low, and we were talking about promoting his work so he gets some more cool projects like the Law & Order shoot. I was thinking of how hard it is to find places to promote myself and my own work and how I hate doing that.

It made us realize that one of the things artists want the most is spaces where they can promote and show their art and personality. And that a good way to make people aware of you, is by promoting other people (I was thinking of Joy quarterly magazine, which is really lovely, but the guy who edit and produce it also take a lot of the photos in it, which give the magazine a pretty isolated feel and also, total lack of interest from other people).

And I Decided to make a new website in which, every 2 weeks Ned and I will feature another artist or photographer or musician or friend.

So now it's 7:00 in the morning and the website is done! it's called LouchLink and since I wanted to finish the layout today, Ned is the first artist who's featured on it (we couldn't get anyone else on such short notice...) but from now on, we'll be featuring other artists and awesome people.

If you would like to be featured, e-mail us some photos of your work and a few sentenses about who you are and what you do, or follow the "submit" button on the site.